Entries from July 2007 ↓

My Grandmother is still in denial about my partial amnesia, and I am being stressed out from all sides. This is starting to get a little ridiculous in all honesty. Instead of getting the time I need to deal with my own issues and feelings. I have to bench them and try to be there for everyone else to help them with their issues instead. One of the big ones is the fact my Mom is having to deal with the fact she can’t afford to eat and buy my medicine at the same time. My medicine runs in excess of 200 dollars a WEEK! So we have the option of me risking another seizure and eating. Or me staying not killing over, and going hungry. So soon I need to figure out how to get a job without them find out I am insane, or I need to find a semi-legal way to get funding. Mom has expressed the fact she would rather me not work 1) because she wants me to take time to heal and 2) because of the whole Dr’s orders thing.
But we all know I have never been one to take things lying down very well.

And then there is my Grandmother, her way of dealing with stress is being critical about every small thing. I have been lectured for the way I tie my shoes. She has called from the other side of the house to lecture for leaving a light on. I get lectured on everything everyday. Plus she doesn’t like people to visit her house which means I don’t get to see my friends. That will change once I move out I hope.

Part of my Strength came from the fact I was emotionally unavailable, cold, and distant. I feel like it was a coping reaction. At the end of last year I had lost contact with my family and was basically alone in the world. And at that point I essentially unstoppable ready to tackle anything that anyone could throw at me. I think it was said perfectly in the movie Fight Club. “Once you lose everything, you are free to do anything.” The stress from the past few days had started to drive me back into that shell and a few people have noticed it. I am trying my best to not get cold and unavailable again, but it is impossible to deal with your issues when you have no choice but to help the important people in your life with theirs. They may say they don’t want your help, but as long as they have a problem, I can’t help but to try my best to help. It’s just one of my quirks.

I think I am done ranting for now.

Irony. One of my favorite movies is Memento it is about a guy who can’t form new memories, and can only remember things for five minutes at a time. Since I got out of the hospital last week my memory from the past several years has been thoroughly scrambled. Friends have been nice enough to spark old memories, or tell me of previous exploits. But it kills me how many things that I used to do all the time or how many songs on my computer seem completely new. One of the worst parts is I remember some things, but I am missing details, like names of buildings but not what they look like.

It is taking some getting used to being insane. When my blood sugar is high I am confident to most people I seem fairly normal maybe just a little high strung. It is when I let myself get hungry things get weird. According to my mom I get visibly manic depressive. I feel weird that much is for sure. When my blood sugar drops things just get progressively worse, first I get more and more high strung to the point I start having panic attacks and little things set me off. I usually can recompose myself pretty quickly, I guess years or repressing my feelings as practice helped. If it keeps going I get to the point I can’t talk properly I stutter and what not so I just don’t say much. Then I start to twitch the way someone with schizophrenia does. I also can’t form new memories if the hunger gets to be to much, so I have gotten in the habit of toting a snack bar in my backpack.

On this note Stupidhurts has officially gone active again. Look for more stuff later.

Stupidhurts.org got renewed for another year!!!
We will be updating again on a regular basis soon to.
Look for adventure and more dumb shit in a few more weeks.

Thanks boys and girls for your playing nice.

I need a SHORT break from the stupidity of this web site. So I will not be updating for a few days. My hands are shaking badly as I write this, it has been such a huge part of my life that I know I can’t let it go for very long, but I do need to let it got for a few weeks while I pull my life back together in Birmingham.

Thanks everyone for putting up with me and my crap.